humour, Life

On the dangers of knicker elastic

Image source Antigoni
Image source Antigoni

*

The cold is seeping in through every pore and every joint,
Is old-age creeping in? … and growing out, more to the point!
How come, with every passing year, I ask myself the question,
When I eat light and exercise to aid with good digestion,
When aided by a small dog who eats half of every meal,
I’ve suddenly got cuddle-y, I wondered, what’s the deal?

*

There has to be a reason less than obvious it seems,
The question occupied my mind and wandered through my dreams.
I pondered long and thoughtfully then realised the cause,
The reason for expansion can be found within my drawers…
The evidence is damning and far more than circumstantial…
The damage caused by modern stretchy fabrics is substantial!

*

Remember when elastic in your undies caused concern?
Too loose led to embarrassment, too tight led to a burn…
The sturdy garments were restrung with safety pin in hand
Elastic then had substance, more than lacy modern bands
That hug your curves with comfort, stretching with your every breath…
For waistlines, let me tell you now, this modern stuff is death.

*

You barely know you’re wearing it, so gently it expands,
You think you dress for comfort but you’ve lost the upper hand.
As waistbands stretch to fit and grow and shape to suit each morning
And comfy, stretchy leggings never give the early warning,
When pounds sneak on your waist and hips and other places too
Till when you try to wear your special jeans you end up blue.

*

The moral of this musing is unfortunately clear
To anyone preoccupied with an expanding rear…
The comfort generation who’ve left fashion fads behind them
Should pin a note upon the wardrobe door just to remind them…
The problem that has magnified the waists of half the nation
Can squarely be attributed to good elastication.

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